United States Puts First Monkey in Office

They can put a monkey in orbit, why can't they run the country?

Not to be outdone by the Soviets, who in 1957 made a dog the first creature to be launched into space from Earth, the United States has taken the next step, after putting monkeys in their own rockets, by becoming the first nation to put a monkey in executive office. A team of scientists and Supreme Court Justices saw no reason why a monkey could not function as a nation's leader, after chimpanzee Bonzo's friend Ronald Reagan served two terms as president, and Dan Quayle served as Vice President.

George W. Bush, affectionately known as "Curious George" or "Bushbaby," takes his place in the line not only of presidents but of distinguished heroes Able the Rhesus monkey, Gordo the squirrel monkey, and Ham the chimp.

But Who Is Really President?

Bush said he was confident the legal wrangling would soon end in his favor. "One of these days all of this is going to stop and Dick Cheney and I will be the president and the vice president," he said.

-- from a Reuters story posted November 30, 2000

Epitaph

Although we may never know with complete certainty the identity of the winner of this year's presidential election, the identity of the loser is perfectly clear. It is the nation's confidence in the judge as an impartial guardian of the rule of law.

-- Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens

Accounting

Victorious GOP Rep. Mark Foley said he had a Reform Party opponent who drew 2,651 votes, signaling support in Palm Beach County. "The allegations that people were voting in error because they were confused is nonsensical," he said. . . . But Palm Beach County Commissioner Bert Aaronson, who represents the West Boca and West Delray areas, disagreed. "I don't think we have 3,000 Nazis in Palm Beach County," he said.

-- from an A.P. story

If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all.
When you hear these folks -- it doesn't matter what side of the debate they're on -- who are willing to kind of castigate somebody who may have a good idea, stand up and let them have it.
-- George W. Bush

There Ought to Be Limits to Freedom (of Inexpression)

Some Bush quotes from the Web site www.realchange.org.

"One of the interesting initiatives we've taken in Washington, D.C., is we've got these vampire-busting devices. A vampire is a -- a cell deal you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone." -- Denver, CO. Aug. 14, 2001
"Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I -- it's -- I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values." -- Visiting the Jefferson Memorial, Washington, D.C., July 2, 2001
"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." -- After meeting with the leaders of the European Union, Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." -- Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001
"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." -- Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 29, 2001
"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." -- Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001
"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to -- I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that." -- Pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 22, 2001 issue
"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." -- Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001
"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." -- Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001
"They misunderestimated me." -- Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -- Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
"The great thing about America is everybody should vote." -- Austin, Texas, Dec. 8, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -- Reuters, May 5, 2000
"I understand small business growth. I was one." -- New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." -- Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." -- Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." -- Debate in St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000
"It's your money. You paid for it." -- LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
"There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of this [web] site, and this guy is just a garbage man, that's all he is." -- George Jr., discussing a web site that parodies him
"I'm a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up." -- Bush, on David Letterman, March 2, 2000. (the audience booed)
"I didn't -- I swear I didn't -- get into politics to feather my nest or feather my friends' nests." -- Bush Jr., in the Houston Chronicle

The Amended, Annotated Bush

Excerpts from an article by Dana Milbank in The Washington Post, April 16, 2002
April 9 was one for the presidential blooper reel.
At a speech in Bridgeport, Conn., President Bush declared that he wanted each American to volunteer for "4,000 years," a variation of his usual call for "4,000 hours," which produced guffaws in the audience. Later, at a fund-raiser, Bush bestowed a new name on Connecticut's lieutenant governor, Jodi Rell. "I appreciate Lieutenant Governor Judi Kell for being here," he said. "Great to see you again, Judi."
Whatever, says Cathleen Hinsch, a spokeswoman for Rell. "You don't correct the president."
But the White House does. Both goofs, and accompanying laughter, were stricken from the record in the official White House transcripts.
A similar sanitizing occurred the day before, in Knoxville, Tenn., when Bush was interrupted by hecklers shouting about Enron and the counterterrorism campaign -- an unusual occurrence noted in news accounts of the speech. Federal News Service, a private organization, transcribed the boos, shouts and cheers, along with the president's struggle to deliver his lines.
The official White House transcript made no mention of the hecklers or Bush's false starts. . . .
White House spokeswoman Anne Womack noted that the transcripts had at times included hecklers and Bush-coined words such as "misunderestimated." . . .
Some examples of the footnoting of transcripts to clarify what the president meant:
Death and taxes:  In Missouri last month, Bush expressed his desire for "making the death tax permanent." The White House transcript placed and asterisk next to the blooper and a footnote saying "should read 'death tax repeal.'"
Mangled in Japan:  In February, Bush baffled some listeners when he said he had spoken with the Japanese prime minister about "the devaluation issue" and told Japan's parliament the United States and Japan had been allies "for a century and a half." Asterisks in the official transcript indicated Bush meant to say "deflation" and "half a century."

Bush Follows in the Missteps of His Father

[or, I Whiffed Freedom, But I Didn't Inhale]

by Frank Bruni, The New York Times
   SIOUX CITY, Iowa, Jan. 22 -- It is sometimes said that the sins of the father will be visited upon the son.
   So, apparently, may the syntax.
   As Gov. George W. Bush of Texas campaigns furiously through this state in the final days leading up to its caucuses on Monday, he is amassing examples of twisted verbiage and oratorical bloopers that bring to mind his famously tongue-tied father's forays into linguistic limbo.
   The most memorable one came Friday night, as he addressed a crowd in Council Bluffs. Mr. Bush was entering the span of his speech in which he normally compares the foreign policy paradigm of yesteryear, when the country's enemy was the Soviet Union, with the situation today, when threats are less predictable.
   But he skidded off the rails and into a bog of free-floating pronouns and absent antecedents. "When I was coming up," the Texas governor said, "it was a dangerous world and we knew exactly who the they were. It was us versus 		them and it was clear who them was. Today, we're not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."
   Mr. Bush also caromed through a standard riff about how well his wife, Laura, reflects on him. "If people can judge me on the company I keep," Mr. Bush said, "they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura."
   The previous day, in Pella, family values and grammatical ones diverged when Mr. Bush touted parenthood by saying that he and Mrs. Bush understood that their most important job "is not to be Governor or First Lady, in my case."
   That followed a fanciful twist to an oft-used metaphor about giving people in China a "whiff of freedom" or letting them breathe freedom.
   In Des Moines, he got carried away with his oxygenated example and described the heady possibilities "when you inhale freedom."
   Mr. Bush is also fond of saying that free trade and the Internet will "let freedom's genie out of the bottle." Call it the Aladdin Doctrine.


More Bush gems, as quoted by Garry Trudeau in "Doonesbury":

  • Farmers are not going to be secondary thoughts in a Bush administration. They will be in the forethought of our thinking.
  • There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me.
  • Until I'm president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I'll think I'll be more effective.
  • I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever.
  • People shouldn't read into venue locations someone's heart.
  • States should have the right to enact . . . laws . . . particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that otherwise could live.
  • If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do.
  • This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot.
  • I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating.

The Bushisms: Poppy and Dubya Speak

By Daniel Kurtzman
Former President George Bush was never known for his command of the English language. "He can't help it," former Texas Gov. Ann Richards once said of the elder Bush's frequent verbal miscues. "He was born with a silver foot in his mouth."
In his bid to fill his father's shoes, George W. Bush has proven to be a skillful butcher of syntax in his own right. One reporter covering his presidential campaign dubbed him "The English Patient."
As this side-by-side look at "Bushisms" reveals, Dubya has been striving hard to match Poppy's rhetorical feats.

The Economy, Stupid

"We're enjoying sluggish times, and not enjoying them very much." -- George Bush Sr., in 1992
"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness." -- George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000

Mangled Metaphors

"Please don't ask me to do that which I've just said I'm not going to do, because you're burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you, and I am now filibustering." -- George Bush Sr., in 1989
"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have -- he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." -- George W. Bush, in Feb. 2000

The Call of the Wild

"If you're worried about caribou, take a look at the arguments that were used about the pipeline. They'd say the caribou would be extinct. You've got to shake them away with a stick. They're all making love lying up against the pipeline and you got thousands of caribou up there." -- George Bush Sr., speaking in 1991 about the Alaskan pipeline
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -- George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000

The Dangers of Microphones

"These, they're very dangerous. They trap you. Especially these furry ones . . . it's these furry guys that get you in real trouble. They can reach out and listen to something so -- keep it respectful here." -- George Bush Sr., speaking to Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 about the need to be careful when speaking near open microphones
"There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times." -- George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000

Linguistic Abilities

"Fluency in English is something that I'm often not accused of." -- George Bush Sr., in 1989
"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia -- I never interviewed her." -- George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000, denying a magazine article's claim that he suffers from dyslexia

Mistake My Wife, Please

"It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a former president, 'If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.' Well, we took them literally -- that advice -- as you know. But I didn't need that because I have Barbara Bush." -- George Bush Sr., in 1989
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." -- George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000

Anti-Matters of the Heart

"I hope I stand for antibigotry, anti-Semitism, antiracism. This is what drives me." -- George Bush Sr., in 1988
"Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we're not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We're a party that welcomes people." -- George W. Bush, in July 2000

Man's Best Friend

"Let me give you a little serious political advice. One single word. Puppies. Worth the points." -- George Bush Sr., in 1990
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow." -- George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000

Political Savvy

"It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another." -- George Bush Sr., in 1988
"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from." -- George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000

Freudian Slips

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex . . . uh . . . setbacks." -- George Bush Sr., in 1988
"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." -- George W. Bush, reflecting in 1994 about growing up in Midland, Texas

Combating International Terrorism

"When I need a little advice about Saddam Hussein, I turn to country music." -- George Bush Sr., in 1991
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile." -- George W. Bush, in Aug. 2000

Riding the Wave of the Future

"High tech is potent, precise, and in the end, unbeatable. The truth is, it reminds a lot of people of the way I pitch horseshoes. Would you believe some of the people? Would you believe our dog? Look, I want to give the high-five symbol to high tech." -- George Bush Sr., in 1989
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" -- George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000

Misguided Imagery

"If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground. Too hypothetical." -- George Bush Sr., in 1992
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -- George W. Bush, in Oct.. 2000

Don't Quota Me

"It gets into quota, go into numerical, set numbers for doctors or for, it could go into all kinds of things." -- George Bush Sr.
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position." -- George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000

Making the Grade

"And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids. I learned an awful lot about bathtub toys -- about how to work the telephone. One guy knows -- several of them know their own phone numbers -- preparation to go to the dentist. A lot of things I'd forgotten. So it's been a good day." -- George Bush Sr., in 1992
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" -- George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000

Webster's, to Heck With It

"Those are two hyporhetorical questions." -- George Bush Sr., in 1988
"I've got a record, a record that is conservative and a record that is compassionated." -- George W. Bush, in March 2000

Poetically Incorrect

"The Democrats want to ram it down my ear in a political victory." -- George Bush Sr., in 1991
"We ought to make the pie higher." -- George W. Bush, in Feb. 2000

On the Couch

"To kind of suddenly try to get my hair colored, and dance up and down in a miniskirt or do something, you know, show that I've got a lot of jazz out there and drop a bunch of one-liners, I'm running for the president of the United States . . . I kind of think I'm a scintillating kind of fellow." -- George Bush Sr., in 1988
"Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." -- George W. Bush, in May 2000

The Electability Thing

"I don't want to get, you know, here we are close to the election -- sounding a knell of overconfidence that I don't feel." -- George Bush Sr., in 1988
"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes." -- George W. Bush, in Aug. 2000
For the state of the art, see The Crimson Herring.