Subject: Throwing back

Dear loose assortment,

Whiskey's for drinking, water's for fighting about.

-- Mark Twain

8:30 p.m., Wednesday, July 28, Dylan's, 19th & Folsom

L.J.

Subject: Light heads

Dear swillers,

Here's a quiz.

1. What name was considered as the title for the TV show before "Monty Python's Flying Circus"?

a. Pithy Monsoon's Cycling Fracas.

b. Mythic Pony's Aerial Equestrian Event.

c. Merleau-Ponty's Airy Phenomenon.

d. It's . . .

2. The struggle of class against class is a what struggle? A what struggle?

a. A naughty struggle.

b. A monumental struggle.

c. A political struggle.

d. Shut up, you pinko fairy.

3. What year did Coventry City last win the FA Cup?

a. 1068.

b. 1812.

c. What's the FA Cup?

d. It is in fact a trick question. Coventry City have never won the FA Cup.

4. What is your favorite color?

a. Blue.

b. Red -- no, yellow.

c. You can't fool me, I haven't got a favorite color.

d. It's a sort of peach, but it's got a bit more umber in it, kind of like pumpkin, but not that much, maybe it's more like salmon, but not that rosy, something between peach, pumpkin and salmon.

5. What is the cause of inflation?

a. The Soviet Union. That's why we don't have it anymore.

b. Not having a good depression.

c. Harvard and University of Chicago economists.

d. Evil dogs that live in the forest.

6. Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?

a. Shut up.

b. Fuck off.

c. You're one to be talking. Look at the honker on you. Where are you from, Nose City? Or did you escape from the circus? I'll bet you don't worry about cattle getting in your way. Boy, you're neck must get tired.

d. What a coincidence. I am eating a banana.

7. What is the Fighting Pacifists Alumni Association?

a. Rubbish.

b. A group of Republican demagogues that meets in the forest for latent homosexual rituals (and which may have something to do with 5d above).

c. An organization of graduates of Northwestsoutheastern University.

d. A drinking group that meets every Wednesday at 8:30 p.m. at Dylan's, 19th and Folsom.

8. What is July 21?

a. The day the first train robbery in America was pulled off as Jesse James and his gang took $3,000 from the Rock Island Express at Adair, Iowa.

b. Ernest Hemingway's birthday.

c. Marshall McLuhan's birthday.

d. The birthday of Cat Stevens, Robin Williams and Jon Lovitz.

e. The next meeting of the Fighting Pacifist Alumni Association.

9. What do I get for a prize?

a. A cracker.

b. $64,000 per question.

c. Satisfaction.

d. You get to buy yourself a drink.

10. Who is Lee Jerome Life?

a. An amalgam of three Argentine anarchist writers and an obscure Italian actor.

b. The quarterback of the Tucson Rednecks, out of Northwestsoutheastern University.

c. Yours truly.

d. Up yours.

Subject: Whisky galore

Dear lads and lassies,

Remember when you're down and things seem really bad, it could be worse. We could be on rations.

The next meeting of the Fighting Pacifists Alumni Association is 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, July 14, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Cheers,
L.J.

Subject: Aussification

G'day mates,

In this e-yabber, I get to tell ya how we broke up the party of the Yanks and Pommies. These yobbos like to think they're having a barney, but anyone else is a shag on a rock, or a stickybeak. Get off the grass! We see the perves they give each other. They're not having a blue, they're going the grope! They act like they wanna bonk, or they have bonked.

So even though they treated us like a blow in to their earbash, we took our shout and joined them for some amber fluid. We had to teach 'em what culture is all about. After all, they're scubbers, especially the Yanks. I mean, what's with all the utes around here?

Next meeting of the Australian Wino Society will be 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, July 7, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Up yours,
L.J.

Subject: Sopping

Dear soppers,

Then next meeting of the drinking group is at 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, June 30, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Amid many laughs and useful tips learn:

Why experts shake the bottle before opening and when to add water

Which whisky tastes of "stags rutting"

How the descendants of Robert the Bruce deal with a hangover

How Sir lain Noble sneaked his local brew onto the Royal Yacht

How a bottle of whisky saved the haggis - but nearly burnt down a French chateau

£1.8 billion was contributed to the trade balance by Scotch exports in 1991. Without Scotch, the UK food and drinks trade deficit would have increased by almost 40% to reach £6.8 billion. It is rumoured that the Angel's Share is equivalent to the reserves of the Bank of England.
(Charles Alexander, 1993)

Here's to yer health.
L.J.

Subject: Drinking Slam

Dear poultry lovers,

The poultry reading went over so well last time that we've decided to make poultry a regular part of our drinking group. So bring some of your poultry to the group. Everyone will get a chance to read.

Here, just to whet your whistle, is a little piece by the great Scottish poet, Ewen McTeagle.

If You Could See Your Way to Lending Me Sixpence

If you could see your way to lending me sixpence.
I could at least buy a newspaper.
That's not much to ask anyone.

And just for measure, I'll throw in what is surely his greatest work.

Can I Have Fifty Pounds to Mend the Shed

Can I have fifty pounds to mend the shed?
I'm right on my uppers.
I can pay you back
When this postal order comes from Australia.
Honestly.
Hope the bladder trouble's getting better.
Love, Ewan.

I hope that doesn't discourage anyone. I know it certainly humbles me in my poultry efforts. But it inspires to greater heights.

The readings will be at 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, June 23, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Love,
L.J.

Subject: Stop the hate -- with liquor

Dear drinking group,

If you came to the drinking group where we discussed B.O.G., it would be really great if you could attend the group this week so we can get things rolling. Brother Hugh informs me that the little "cake" we were baking is almost done. So we're going to have to collect some Fighting Pacifist Alumni Association dues. Those of you who didn't get in on this surprise party the last time will have an opportunity to participate if you show up.

And remember, it's all about drinking.

8:30 p.m., Wednesday, June 16, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Yers,
L.J.

Subject: Such as is drunk

Dear drinkers/thinkers,

For your consideration.

He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop.

-- Sydney Smith, on Thomas Macaulay (c. 1830) (thanks to John Gray)

Theseus in the Hippolytus asks to what purpose it is that men teach ten thousand arts and discover every ingenious device, when their science does not tell them how to put sense into the head of a man who has not got it.

-- W.K.C. Guthrie, The Sophists

Make comments at 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, June 9, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

With joyous contempt,
L.J.

Subject: Der Inking

Dearly besotted,

Please come and help us raise the glass. It's very heavy. It's full of alcohol. It's a really big glass.

8:30 p.m., Wednesday, June 2, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

With love -- really, I mean it, man,
L.J.

Subject: Rise up, oh ye drinking group

Partisans,

The only thing worse than drinking is not drinking.

Oscar Wilde

 

It is not because things are difficult that we drink; it is because we do not drink that they are difficult.

Seneca

 

Without drink, life would be a mistake.

Friedrich Nietzsche

 

Drinking is the soul of wit.

William Shakespeare

 

I can't drink, I must drink.

Samuel Beckett

 

Drinking well is the best revenge.

Chinese saying

 

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it stop drinking.

Anonymous

8:30 p.m. (as the crow flies), Wednesday, May 26, Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Cheers,
L.J.

Subject: A nice drink for the kings

Dear Manchester United fans,

Plans for the drinking group to become the Farming Report have been interrupted so that we may bring you this special edition for the next two sessions.

It's the Manchester United Fan Club!

Manchester have won the premier league title and are the kings of English football!

Three cheers for this feat! And more cheers for three feats! The premier league title is a fait accompli and we are going to look forward to Manchester completing the first ever triple championship, which will include the FA Cup on Saturday, May 22, against Newcastle, and the UEFA championship on Wednesday, May 26, against Bayern Munich.

If you do not know about these exciting and historic matches involving the most famous football club in the world, then you need to come to our next drinking group. You are vastly in need of some Red Devil propaganda.

The Manchester United Fan Club drinking group will be held Wednesday, May 19, beginning 45 minutes before the first person shows up, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

And in the words of a dear little 70-year-old woman who phoned in to the radio broadcast following Manchester's 2-1 victory over Tottenham on Sunday,

"I hope you have yourselves a nice drink tonight."

Up yours!
L.J.

Subject: Raising the glass

Dear rousers,

Tired.

So tired

can barely write

e-mail

no strength

left

for

witty

mes

uj

need booze

The next drinking group is at 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, May 12, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

yours,
L.J.

Subject: "Drinking Group": This is a perfectly ordinary message that should not arouse suspicion in any way. I mean, why should it?

Dear "drinkers,"

If you missed the last "drinking" "soiree," then you missed the really great "idle chatter" and "revelry" that was not any kind of plan or any kind of project at all. There was nothing covert or subversive at all about this completely routine "drunken behavior."

If you want to get in on this "drinking" that's really no particular project and shouldn't arouse any suspicion on the part of any authorities or any intelligence which may be monitoring this message, the next "drinking" "goup" will take place at 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, May 5, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Just a regular good "drinking buddy" and not an accomplice of any kind,
L.J.

P.S. Don't be alarmed at the sender of this e-mail. I_AM_GODSUCKER is just plain little old me (kind of a cute name, don't you think?), my Yahoo alias. My internet connection on my computer has broken down, so I've had to take other measures. You can reply to this account, or you can still mail me at ljlife@earthlink.net, as I can retrieve my mail through there through Yahoo, too. Also, I will not be attending the group this week, but don't let that stop you. What, am I supposed to hold your hand?

Subject: Gut-massaging sensations

Dear lover of bright lights and loud noises,

You've been waiting all this time for the latest high-technology cyber-thrill. For the action that packs all the raw video power, graphic orgasmic fury and audio collision impact you've been missing in all those other games and in sex. Now SpasMod WebSpankTronics GameHacks™ imposes it on you.

It's GynWar 2-K!

And we're making you this very special offer because of how much we know you need it. We'll hook you for absolutely no charge. All you have to do is attach a leech to your butt.

By placing this handy, superfreaky device to an unobtrusive place on your body, just above your legs and just below your waste, you'll be sucked into the bitchin' experience that everyone is clamoring for. You'll hardly know it's there, and besides, it's rad! Everyone else is doing it! Do you want to get left behind -- or with a bare behind -- by the information age? But more than that, this totally cool gismo is what enables us to enable you. We add functionality to your butt.

So start downloading in your pants and get on the SpasMod WebSpankTronics GameHacks™ GynWar 2-K cybersupernova hyper-bandwagon right now!, you fuckin' lame-o!

Super truly,
Your awesome friends at SpasMod WebSpankTronics GameHacks™

P.S. Or if liquor is your thing, join the drinking group at 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, April 21, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Subject: The N.W.R.A.

Dear berks,

The North will rise again!

Not in 10,000 years!

The last drinking group was invaded by Mancunians and others from northern parts of England. Couple of slappers with some blokes. There was quite a turnout for the group, besides, and our newcomers from abroad were impressed that there were little ol' Americans who were actually sociable. I told them, "Why, sure, we always get such a great turnout for this pub thingy."

So you fucking yanks better get it together and not slack off (like we really know you do). We don't want these limeys to think we can't handle our liquor.

And Nigel better show up, or we'll think an English accent is fucking Mark E. Smith. Crikers!

Up yours,
L.J.

Subject: Fairfans

Dear society,

We had such a great turnout at the last drinking group. I'm overwhelmed, I really don't know what to say, look at me, I dreamed about this moment and made speeches up in my head and now it has suddenly happened and I don't know what to say! Look at me, I must seem like a blubbering fool, but I'm so overwhelmed with emotion, and really I'm not deserving, especially when I see the distinguished company of all those other drinking groups out there, which I look up to and respect. Oh, gosh. Let's see, I want to thank all those wonderful people who were in this project with me and who made it possible and without whom I could never have done it and whose perseverance and devotion and generosity and encouragement and magnanimity and just really greatness made the whole thing something it might never have been without . . . um, all that. Um, let's see. I want to thank Patty. And I want to thank Bruce. And Hugh and Rini, thank you so much. And I must take this opportunity to thank certain people out there who put their name on the line even though their names must go unmentioned, who must remain anonymous because of the struggle we still face today. Really this whole thing is dedicated to those brave, tireless, courageous, audacious, slightly loopy souls who continue this brave, heroic, dramatic, epic fight against the creeping blight of techno-giddiness. Most of all, I want to thank Steven Black. But I reserve my most heartfelt thanks for Cindy Olson. But this whole thing could not have been possible, and for that I owe deepest gratitude, to Matt & Kim. But the meeting wouldn't have been what it was without Nigel. And, of course, the most dearest and cherished feelings for Beth Grundvig, who touched all out hearts and made this drinking group something so utterly unique and emotional and miraculous and magical, and to whom this drinking group really must be dedicated, when she turned up to take part in this project after a long, heroic battle with not making it to the group. But really, I couldn't go without mentioning all those wonderful, truly special souls of the drinking group, who because of other heroic battles of their own, were not able to be a part of this truly wondrous drinking group. Really, this whole thing must be dedicated to them. And -- oh my god! How could I forget Andrea! I really must thank Andrea from the bottom of my heart, Andrea who is so special to all of us and made this group something really special. And John Lee! I must thank John Lee, who made a truly heroic effort and contributed so much to making this project something that was like no other and wouldn't have been like what it was without being that something not like others. But really there were so many more who made this group a truly unique and momentous and specially singular drinking group. And I want to thank Gwyneth Paltrow's dress, which was truly an inspiration for all of us. And I want to thank everyone's mother and father, who are all the uniquest and most special mothers and fathers in the whole world, and who are all the mothers and fathers that no one would ever trade for any other mothers and fathers in the whole wide world. And I want to thank the Women's Society of Professional Engineers. And I want to give a very special thanks to someone I know we're all really thinking about, and dedicate this project to the memory of someone we admire so much, who was such an influence on all of us, Stanley Kubrick. Stanley, thanks, wherever you are. We'll meet again, don't know where don't know when. And to all the children of the world, I also want to say thank you, and to dedicate this whole project to you, and to acknowledge you and to commemorate your future, because really, you're all what it's really all about, you're the ones who will make tomorrow's drinking groups. And, oh!, I just can't say thank you enough, I'm just one big gaping pit of gratitude . . . Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! I don't have words enough to convey or transmit or carry or communicate or deliver or represent or signify or herald or trumpet or sing or express or ejaculate my gratitude to all of you and everyone!

And let me just take this opportunity to say the next drinking group will be at 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, April 7, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Thank you all so much from the most deepest bottom of my most heartfelt heart.

Most very truly especially like never before sincerely,
Lee Jerome Life

Subject: Hugh's Calves

Dear devoted followers,

The next episode of the highly acclaimed personal drama, "Hugh's Calves," will be aired at 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, March 31, at Dylan's, 19th and Folsom.

Why are cross-relationships daunting? What are the evils of post-modernism? Whose calves are bigger? You never know when something being said is really about Hugh.

Come find out, and drink.

Yours bemusedly,
Lee Jerome Life

Subject: Drinking wisdom

Hey you,

Age is wasted on the old.

Do not use on unexplained calf pain.

8:30 p.m., Wednesday, March 24, at Dylan's, 19th and Folsom.

Persistently,
L.J.

Subject: Just our "Luck"

Dear lamers,

The next drinking group falls appropriately enough on St. Patrick's Day. Inappropriately, however, for us, as we will probably have a hard time finding a spot to group. Then there's all that green shit, those plastic derby hats, and the puking and fist fighting and scores of jock types and stupid American romantic Irish who cheer for the IRA and incalculable other abstract popularizations. And then I think you have to give presents and light fireworks and look for hidden lucky charms, or something like that. It's all so commercial. We've lost the true meaning of a drinking holiday.

And besides that, the next drinking group will be at 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, March 17, at The White Horse Tavern in New York City, the Dylan Thomas bar of New York.

Well, that's where I'll be, anyway. The rest of you can meet at Dylan's, 19th and Folsom, in San Francisco, if you're pugnacious enough.

Up yours,
L.J.

Subject: drinking thinking

Dear tipsy,

The worst songs of all time. What are your nominations? If you missed the last drinking group, you missed this bitter and joyous polemic of contempt. While "Wildfire" and "Afternoon Delight" drew a loose consensus, things got heated when two of the number suggested that Neil Young could have many songs on the list. I mean, as if Neil Young were Billy Joel or something.

What could you be doing that's better than that?

Up yours,
L.J.

Subject: socialist drinking

Fellow wayfarers,

Does Christmas smell like oranges to you? Do alfalfa sprouts betray your experience of fellatio?

If you don't know the answers to these and other burning questions, then perhaps you should stay sober.

Otherwise, join us for the next installment of the drinking group, 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, March 6, Dylan's, 19th and Folsom.

Yers,
L.J.

Subject: Drinking thingy

Social drinkers,

OKIES INVADE

At one point in the last meeting, the drinking group was made up almost entirely of Okies. Hugh found this particularly intimidating and commented on the "weird energy." When they started doing all that Okie talk, about growing up as Okies and all the Okie personal problems and Okie parents telling them the facts of life and all the rites of passage of Okiehood, Hugh was just plain embarrassed.

So, please, Okies, even though they can't know what it's like to be an Okie, let's not abuse the others' sympathy for our particular Okie issues.

Long live Woody Guthrie!

Next meeting of Okie consciousness-raising will be 8:30 p.m., Wednesday, February 24, at Dylan's, 19th and Folsom.

Very truly, no really, truly,
L.J.

Subject: Boozin' and schmoozin'

Potential drinking thingy goers,

". . . and the beer is so weak, since they got rid of time around here."

-- Mark E. Smith

8:30 p.m., Wednesday, February 17, Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Yers,
L.J.

Subject: Contents of bottle

Dear hunters,

Everyone keeps coming up with these excuses for not coming to this drinking thingy. Are we just the sorriest bunch of alcoholics or what?

At the last meeting there were only a few people but we had, like, one of the deepest most significant discussions ever. And I mean, like, we were really into this discussion and it was, like, all radical, and like, I was talking to Hugh, and I'm like, and then Hugh is like, and then Linda's all like, and then Tom comes in and he's like, and Dagny's like, and then Tom is like, and then Linda's like, and then Dagny's like and then Hugh's all like, an' shit, and Tom, Tom's like, and then people started leaving, but like, Dagny was still all like, and Hugh, Hugh was really all like, and Tom was even still like, and then we left. Man, it was like . . .

8:30 p.m., Wednesday, February 10, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Whatever,
L.J.

P.S. Who are the yuppies in your neighborhood?

Subject: Downloading, inputting, upbottoming

Dear e-mein lovers,

8:30 p.m., Wednesday, February 3, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

You know the what for.

Our next topic of discussion will be the impending worldwide shortage of lubricant, otherwise known as the KY2 problem.

Who's in charge of the Fighting Pacifist t-shirts, by the way?

Up yours,
Lee Jerome Life

Subject: Straight or mixed

Dear lushes,

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable,

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could think you under the table,

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
on half a pint of shandy was particularly ill,

Plato, they say, could stick it away,
half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram

And René Descartes was drunken fart,
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
a lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

Wednesday, January 27, 8:30 p.m., Dylan's at 19th and Folsom.

Come see Octobriana, the spirit of the October revolution on her pterodactyl, and the greatest films of all time.

Ingenuously,
Greg, a.k.a. L.J. Life.

Subject: Getting it up

Flakes of the world, disperse!

The next drinking group meeting is Wednesday, January 20, 8:30 p.m., at Dylan's, 19th and Folsom.

This meeting will go on even if no one shows up. It will persist as some sort of perversion of ontology, by the sheer will of a handful of people who have no need of manifesting it.

Meanwhile, for whom it may concern, Penelope, Bruce, Dagny, Linda, Michelle and Greg will have a lot of inside jokes to make the rest of you feel out of it. Probably they'll be goofy, gloppy ones about "meet cute." Oh and don't touch your eyes or nose.

Yours stingingly,
Greg, a.k.a. Lee Jerome Life

P.S. This contribution was made by Matt Holsten, a recent newcomer to the group.

The hunchback in the park
A solitary mister
Propped between trees and water
From the opening of the garden lock
That lets the trees and water enter
Until the Sunday sombre bell at dark

Eating bread from a newspaper
Drinking water from the chained cup
That the children filled with gravel
In the fountain basin where I sailed my ship
Slept at night in a dog kennel
But nobody chained him up......

Apparently this is from our man, Dylan, for whom they named the bar.

Subject: Full Speed Ahead

Tippers of the glass,

Well, we had such a rousing response Wednesday, we've decided to go roaring ahead with the next one.

That would be the next drinking group, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom, at 8:30 p.m., January 6th, 1999. Will you not ring in the New Year?

For those of you who weren't there last time, you missed a doozy, which included special guest appearances by dead leftists, nude table dancing, and Babylonian folk songs. Whew. I'm still sore.

So git out the fuckin' 'ouse 'n join us.

Up yours,

Greg, a.k.a. L.J. Life

Subject: Back to sloshing

Dedicated drinkers,

The next drinking group meeting will be held Wednesday, December 30, at Dylan's, 19th & Folsom.

Yes, we are moving back to Wednesday. This was decided, unanimously without dissension, by the special quorum of four which showed up at the last meeting. (This select group also represents the slim progress made by 20th century society over the superstition of keeping up arrears at Christmas.) The reason being is that the live jazz music on Tuesday evenings is too loud, even for the back room.

If you have any comments about this decision, please send them to the U.S. Bureau of Standards, which is somewhere in Colorado, I forget exactly where, but I'm sure they know the address. Or you can call Nigel French or Beth Grundvig who, despite leaving the notification chores to me, love to grouse.

And, you know, this thing isn't obligatory, so why don't you show up?

Yours gratuitously,
Greg, a.k.a. Lee Jerome Life

Subject: Fighting Pacifist Alumni Association

Dear drinkers and muddled thinkers,

The next meeting of our drinking group will be at Dylan's, 19th and Folsom, Tuesday, December 22, and not on the Wednesday of the week, as it has been lately. This is due to many people leaving town for the holiday. But we are also using this as a trial run for Tuesday nights at Dylan's as we have been competing with a dart club on Wednesdays and there is a scooter club that meets there on Thursdays. Dylan's has some kind of jazz night on Tuesdays, with live music, but the back room is not used for that, so it may be ours. We'll see how this works out.

Also, I proposed to Beth and Nigel that we give ourselves a mock name for mock official status at the bar, but also to give our drinking group the ring of eventfulness, something to brag about years from now as if it meant something. The proposal Beth and Nigel liked was The Fighting Pacifist Alumni Association. (In case anyone wants to know, the university would be Northwestsouteastern.)

You can send me e-mail with your opinion of this name idea, or you can blurt out your opinion after a drink or two at the next meeting.

Just for extra fun, I thought of an idea for an "official" Association toast:

Let drink not make me worse than I am.

We have tossed around the idea of having business-type cards so that we can be card-carrying members and also to use as invitations, special drinking glasses, a "secret" handshake and a Latin motto. I mean, you can talk about anything when you're drinking.

So, give it one more go before the holidays, then go off and have a merry fucking Christmas.

Yer fren,
Greg Macon, a.k.a. L.J. Life